Washington, DC — Today, the Trump Administration unveiled plans to construct a monument hailing the end of the War on Christmas. The new memorial will make good on President Trump’s promise to bring about a peaceful resolution to the nearly 20-year contrived conflict.
“President Trump is proud to declare victory in the War on Christmas,” said a White House spokesman, who repeatedly asked that their name not be used. “No longer will the celebration of Christmas be restricted to private homes, multiple 24/7 radio stations, non-stop television specials, Christmas themed commercials interrupting those television specials, decorations in every major retail outlet, proclamations from elected officials, and a federal holiday. Now that the War on Christmas is over, this cherished religious holiday can finally get the recognition it deserves. The President believes his victory in the War on Christmas will be among the greatest achievements of his presidency.”
At the consecration ceremony for the new monument, President Trump is expected to issue an official proclamation establishing that “Christmas” will now refer to the entire period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.
The proposed monument is expected to feature several installation pieces, each highlighting a different aspect of the War on Christmas. So far, the proposed monument includes:
A memorial to everyone who was wished “Happy Holidays” by a department store cashier;
An exhibition of anti-Christian Starbucks cups;
A statue commemorating the “Faceless Fox News Staffer,” which will honor the unsung Fox News staff and interns who were forced to scour the internet for any story that could be plausibly spun to look like an attack on Christmas; and
A life-size Nativity Scene.
Following the announcement, the White House has been forced to respond to a litany of criticisms, including accusations that the monument constitutes religious favoritism and is “wildly unnecessary.”
“If you analyze this decision in the context of how the President and his cabinet view ‘religious freedom,’ it makes a lot more sense,” said the anonymous White House staffer before letting out a loud and heavy sigh. “Like many of the President’s policy decisions, this announcement comes following a meeting with the nation’s leading religious right groups. The President shares their conviction that this monument will help reassert the principle of religious freedom, which is the inalienable right of every American to believe in conservative evangelical Christianity.”
“This monument is as unnecessary as it is unsurprising,” said Larry T. Decker, Executive Director of the Secular Coalition for America. “This is a monument to religious privilege and a message that Christian supremacists should feel emboldened. What’s next? Are we going to display the Ten Commandments in public schools? Or entomb a leader of the religious right in our nation’s capital? Or mandate that a specific set of religious beliefs be treated like a get-out-of-jail-free card? While a monument commemorating the War on Christmas is especially outlandish, would any of those hypotheticals really be any less galling?”
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!
CONTACT: Casey Brescia
Communications Associate and Spokesman